The Bill of Rights

I, a Mother, in order to form a more harmonious family, have hereby issued this decree of rights and privileges endowed by Our Creator for mothers everywhere. This is by no means a proclamation of war with our spouses and children, merely a structured reminder that mothers are human beings and women, and thereby allowed these listed (but not limited to this list) items. They are in order of importance, and therefore the most important items are listed first, however, they should be condsidered collectively important.
1. Devotion. First and foremost, give glory to God. Without Him, we would not even be in the privileged position to be mothers, so therefore, we should be allowed ample opportunity for praise, prayer and devotion to God. This is the first right, and unless you have this one, nothing else can be completed.
2. Nourishment. Let’s face it—eating your child’s leftovers hardly makes a square meal, yet we all do it, either out of desire not to waste the food, or simply, we are too tired, hungry or busy to even try to sit down. Consider this the proclamation that at least once a day, a mother should be able to actually eat food from her own plate while (get this!) sitting down at the table. And I don’t mean scraping the food from your child’s plate to your own, I mean taking a portion to your very own plate to eat without the vultures (read "children") circling. One cannot live on half-eaten bananas and crackers alone.
3. Elimination. Okay, I can’t even believe this has to be stated in printed form, but "when you gotta go, you gotta go." Notice I am not even mentioning whether the door is open or shut. Your personal family situation is going to shape this one. As for me, at least once a day, the door will be shut.
4. Cleanliness. I have written about this one before, as it is near and dear to my heart. So, you have cleaned house all day, ended the evening by giving the kids a bath, you’re sweaty from working around the house and your hair smells like bacon and dust from sweeping under the table. What do you do? You’re too tired to shower now, right? You’ll get up early tomorrow and grab a quick shower before the kids get up? Think again—by then you’ll be throwing pancakes at the crew while your husband slinks in and out of the shower, leaving the house smelling fresh and clean while you’ve now got ten minutes to get dressed to get the kids to school. NO! Take the time and make the time with your husband or mother-in-law or trusted babysitting friend to get a good shower. You’ll feel better.
5."R and R". The old Army saying rings true: Rest and Relaxation. OSHA requires that for most jobs, after working a four hour shift, one is entitled to a 15 minute break. After 6 hours, one may be able to take a 30 minute break. Hmmmm. As a mother, you’re "on the job" for literally 24 hours, 7 days a week. So when compiled together, over the course of a year, you’re entitled to about 30 days off! No, I do not recommend you take all your time off at once (that would be dessertion in military terms) and you do need to make sure your children are carefully cared for, so I do recommend a ten-minute period of time when you are not in demand by anyone. This may be combined with other items on this list. When you actually take the time to yourself is up to you, but everyone, especially mothers, need decompression time and too frequently we put it off until "later."
6. Pursuit of Conversation. Not a hard one to understand at all. After 8-12 hours of singing "row, row, row your boat," pretending you’re a puppy to please the preschooler, and listening to Elmo, most moms find themselves in need of casual conversation. This is a misunderstood need, and it is also one that is abused by many women, so it needs to be monitored closely, otherwise you will lose ground on your demands for numbers 1-5 on the Bill of Rights. The need for this is two-fold: one, an acknowledgement that you are not the only mother in the world doing what you are doing (pretending you’re a puppy to please the preschooler), and two, to prove that you can use proper English ("Yes, Mommy can talk like a big girl! Yes she can!"). Be careful about abusing this—for one, you might lose track of the toddler, and two, you’ll never get anything done. Pursuit of conversation also applies to email, Facebook, IM, whatever. Be sure to include the husband in this, but don’t overdo it—they are very sensitive to conversation overexposure.
7. Being a woman. Now, don’t go crazy with this. I can’t stand it when someone takes this as an immediate invitation to listen to Shania sing "I Feel Like a Woman" and sass around in an impractical outfit. This is truly being appreciated. This is the combination of many of the above freedoms. It is being clean, in clothes that make you comfortable and look good. It is perhaps a meal on your own plate with someone else taking care of the prep and clean-up. It is conversation with a grown-up. It may even include some close-up time with the person that helped you get to motherhood (remember him? You always thought he was so cute, and he looks kind of cute tonite, too.) This could also include a hair cut that did not take place in front of your bathroom mirror, and it could also involve girlfriends getting together for more of the Pursuit of Conversation, because when there are no kids and husbands, we can gab all we want about them.
8. Freedom to shop. This is a delicate one. This absolutely does not mean bankrupting your family for that great purse or shoes. It means getting out of the house on family business (say, grocery shopping or all those tedious 2-minute trips to Walgreen’s, Michael’s, and the cake decorating store without dragging 3 kids along with you. )Imagine going through the aisles of Target with no one asking you for stickers! Think of the possibilities! We should be able to do this once in a while—I certainly don’t expect it every single time.
9. Pursuit of the weather forecast. How do the kids know the weatherman is coming on? How is it that that is the precise moment when child #1 takes the toy from child #2, and child #3 comes in with a bloody nose that he got doing who-knows-what? Just once, I’d kind of like to see that 3 minutes of the news. My kids think I always watch the news, but really, it’s on because I’m always trying to watch the weather.
10. Good friends. They can understand what you’re going through, and still love you anyway. Even if you haven’t showered in a few days.